' ■'- '' / 



ii 



A COMEDY FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT. 



SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." 



B Y 



R. R. A.rnRi:WS, Esq. 

AUTHOR OF " SILYERSTOXE'S WAGER." 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF COSTU3IE, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 

EXITS, RELATWE POSITIONS OF THE PERF0R3IERS ON 

THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS. 



Copyright Secured 



, 18^. 



CAMBRIDGE : 

Printed for the Author. 

1875. 






gfji'*-^' 



a 



SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." 

A COMEDY FARCE, 

INONEACT. 



V B Y 

E. Pi. AjYDREWS, Esq. 



^H 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 



A DESCRIPTION OF COSTUME, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 

EXITS, RELATrS E POSITIONS OF THE PERF0R3IERS ON 

THE STAGE, AND THE AVHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS. 



UUlX.t2 OLOC^rydiiur'^ "^^^ ^ C^fy^^S^S^ ^ ^Tuj C/^OyT- 






C^J^ilWTXB^^^Et^bRI^^r'^'^'TO^ 



CAMBRIDGE : 
Printed for the Author. 



^' SHE'S FAST ASLEEP/' 

TS43r 

CHARACTERS. , 21^ /) ^7 

Creamer, 1st Low Comedy. 

JOSEPH, 2d Low Comedy. 

Bertha, Soubrette. 

Mrs. Creamer, .... 

Plays something over half an hour. 
Time, present. Evening. 

COSTUMES. 

Mr. Creamer. — Blue coat, light pants, and fancy vest, hat, etc. 
Joseph. — Livery, 2d dress, black suit. 
Bertha. — Smart house dress, apron. 

Mrs. Creamer.— Yery handsome page's costume, tights, hat 
with long feather, bright sash, etc. 

PROPERTIES. 

Dishes, tea-pot for fire, looking-glass over fire-place, property 
lobster and cold chicken, bottles for Joseph; bottles and keys 
for Creamer ; key in r. 2e door ; notes for Creamer. 



Knight & Leathe, Printers, 478 Washington St., Boston. 



"SHE'S FAST ASLEEP." 



oXXo 



Scene (no change). Drawing room, — Door c. — Doors r. and L. 
Wlndotvs R. and L. of C. door. — Fire-place R. — Looking-glass over 
it. — Kettle on fire. — Table ivith dishes R.c. — Easy chair near it. — 
Sviall table L.C. — Chair s^ etc. 

Bertha, r.c. Mrs. Creamer, c. 

Bertha. 

Never fear me, Mrs. Creamer. Til not leave the house, — not 
for a moment, ma'am ; and if anyone calls. I'll tell them you are 
not well, ma'am, that 3'ou're fast asleep, ma'am, or abed with a 
headache. 

Mrs. Creamer nods, and goes out c. door. 

There, — she's o-one. Master's off for all nio'ht, and so missus 
takes it into her head to go to the fancy dress ball. My eyes ! 
if master heard of it he'd go w41d tho', he expressly forbid her to 
go. It's dreadful risky of her, for he might find out about it. 
{Ooes to table.) Well I've got the wdiole evening to myself, and 
what's more, there's plent}' to eat and drink ; but to think of 
missus going in that costume. Wonder how I'd look in tights. 
{Holds dress up a little.) We housemaids never do get any chances 
to show off. I'm sure I'd look as fine as missus did. ( Whistle 
heard.) Hello! w^ho's that? (Joseph, at c. door^ looks in.) 
My stars ! that you, Joe? Come in. 

Joseph. 
Are you alone ? 

Bertha. 
Of course I am ; come in. 



4 "SHES FAST ASLEEP. 

Joseph, coming down c. 
Where's your missus? 

Bertha. 
O, she's gone to the — she's — she's in her room, fast asleep. 

Joseph. 

Asleep, eh? Fast asleep. Where's the old Cream-pot? Is 
he asleep too ? 

Bertha. 

He's gone away to stay all night. 

Joseph. 

Your mistress will hear us if we eat here. (Heljnng himself at 
table.) 

Bertha. 

Never fear her ; she sleeps that sound a whole pack of artillery 
couldn't wake her. Are 3^0 u off for the whole evening? {Seeing 
him eating.) Hello! w^hat are 3'ou doing? Hadn't you better 
wait till you're asked? 

Joseph. 

Eh? Oh, never mind me. You see, Bertha, master has gone 
I0 his club, and that's an all-night job, and I'm free as the air 
till he gets back. 

Bertha. 

So am I, till missus wakes up. 

Joseph. 

Your missus is a fine looking woman. I see her often at the 
window of that room. (Points l.) 

Bertha. 

The window in the room over there, 3'ou mean. (Points r.) 
That's her chamber. 

Joseph. 
I never see the old man there. 

Bertha. 
No, he has a separate room. (Points l.) 



''shes fast asleep. 5 

Joseph. 

Been a row, eh? Well that sort of thing wouldn't suit me. 

Bertha. 

Wouldn't, he}'? Why most all the rich people have two 
rooms. 

Joseph. 

Well, Bertha, when we gets married, you understand there'll 
be but one sleeping room in m^^ house. And when are we to be 
married. Bertha? 

Bertha. 

O, have patience. 

Joseph. 

That's the way you always put me off. Wh}' haint I had pa- 
tience, any number of times already, and it don't do no good. 

Bertha. 

Well, if you want me, want me real bad, Joe, you can have me 
just as soon as 3'ou're a mind to. 

Joseph. 
That's business ; put on your hat, and we'll do it at once. 

Bertha. 
Nonsense, I've got to get supper first. 

Joseph. 
Who for? 

Bertha. 

Well, 3'ou see, Joe, I knew missus was a going — a going to 
bed earh', so I invited my godfather Chafer 'round, so he could 
get acquainted with you. 

Joseph. 

Thank you, but I'm not particular. 

Bertha. 

But he's well off, and he's promised, if I marries a nice 3'oung 
man, to remember and give us something handsome. 



6 "she's fast asleep." 

Joseph. 

Well, that's heart}' ; promised something handsome, eh? Got 
mone}', too. I tell you. Bertha, let's invite him to go to the the- 
atre. 

Bertha. 

To see the new Pantomine? O, that will be so J0II3M But, 
Joe, you can't go in that dress. 

Joseph. 

Bless you, no. I'll wear master's coat, hat, and gloves, and 
the old man will think I'm a divinity student. 

Bertha. 
Then you'd better be getting rea^y. 

Joseph. 
I'll go at once; boon jewer. {Kisses her,) Boon jewer. 
(Exit c.) 

Bertha. 

(Wiping mouth ivith sleeve.) Nast}' tobacco juice; he's been 
smoking or chewing, and's got it all over my mouth. (Goes to 
table.) Now let me see ; what shall I get? There's a nice cold 
chicken down stairs, and Joe's death on cold chicken. I'll go 
and get it. (Exit l.Ie. Enter Cub a:mbr c. cautiously.) 

Creamer. 

(Looking about.) No one about; well, come now, that's 
luck}', for I'll wager a five-pound note that mj' arrival would 
rather surprise them. Saj's I to Mrs. Creamer, '-'my love, I go 
to Bath," but I don't go there, O, no ! 'Twas a si}' dodge of mine, 
a very sly dodge. She little thought that I was to dine with the 
most charming of widows, relect of the late lamented Crumpeper. 
Yet such was the case, I'm soriy to say. The fair widow dotes 
on lobsters and to please and surprise her, I bought this one on 
my way there. (Takes lobster out of carpet-sack.) I paid two 
shillings for it. (Puts it on table.) And started a half hour be- 
fore the appointed time. On arriving at the house, and accident- 
ally looking in at the first-floor window, I was surprised, I may say 
astounded, to see seated directly opposite the fair creature a grey 



'' SHE S FAST ASLEEP. 7 

gentleman in goggles. The sight of that simpering, grey-goggled 
old sinner, struck me with remorse, I may say pain ; says I to 
myself, '' Creamer, be virtuous, go home and sup with the future 
mother of j^our little Creamers " ; I pondered a moment, — natur- 
alh', — took the advice, — and the lobster, — and here I am, a 
virtuous, consequently a happ3% man, but Lord ! how hungry. 
(Sits in easy chair R.c. Enter Bertha luith a cold chicken l.) 

Bertha. 

Here's the nice, cold chicken, and (Sees Creamer.) O, 

Lord ! (Hides chicken behind her.) 

Creamer. 
(Looking around.) Don't be afraid, Bertha, it's onlj' me. 

Bertha. 
What, sir, and are 3'ou not in Bath ? 

Creamer. 
In bath, lass? Why, what the devil should I be in bath for? 

Bertha. 

Why, sir, missus told me as how 3'ou had gone to Bath on very 
particular business. 

Creamer. 

O yes, Bertha, I remember now I did go to Bath, a — that is, 
I was to go to Bath ; but you see I missed the train. 

Bertha. 

Go - o - d gracious ! ! ! 

Creamer. 

Why, what do you mean by such a good gracious? People 
ma}' miss a train if they want — I mean if they have to, can't 
the^^ ? Is there anj'thing ver}' surprising in that ? 

Bertha. 

O no, sir, of course not. (Seeing lobster.) You have brought 
something for your tea, sir? 

Creamer. 
Yes, Bertha, a lobster, a nice lobster. 



8 

Bertha. 

{Turning aside,) O, clear, he'll be asking for his wife in a 
moment ; what shall I say ? 

Creamer. 

{Seeing cold chicken Bertha is holding behind her.) What are 
3'ou holding behind j^oa, Bertha? 

Bertha. 

{Turning quick,) O, sir, it is a — a — 

Creamer. 

Cold chicken. 

Bertha. 

O dear, j^es, sir ; a cold chicken, for to-morrow's breakfast, sir. 
I'll go and put it awa}'. {Goes l.) 

Creamer. 

Not so fast. Bertha ; put it on the table, and set plates for two. 
{Fixing plates.) 

Bertha. 

For two? Is a friend going to sup with 3'ou, sir? {Sets 
chicken on table and helps him,) 

Creamer. 
No, I am going to sup with my wife. 

Bertha. 
{Lets plate fall.) Good gracious ! ! 

Creamer. 

What, another good gracious ? Wh}^, Bertha, you don't think 
I'd sup. with an}^ other woman, do 3'ou? 

Bertha. 
Certainl}' not, sir. 

Creamer. 

You are a very good girl. Bertha. 

Bertha. 
Thank 3'ou, sir. 



''she's fast asleep." 9 

Creamer. 
Is Mrs. Creamer in her room? 

Bertha. 

In her room, no sir; she's — O, 3^es — 3'es, sir, she's in her 
room ; of coarse she is. 

Creamer. 

Ver}' well ; {Getting up.) I'll go and call her. 

Bertha. 

{Running hefore him.) O, sir, O, sir ; don't, don't, go in there ! 

Creamer. 

And why not, pray ? 

Bertha. 
Because, she's — she's abed, sir. 

Creamer. 
Well, what if she is ; she's m}' wife, ain't she? 

Bertha . 
Yes. sir, certainly ; but she's asleep. 

Creamer. 
Well I will wake her. 

Bertha. 
But, sir, 3'ou mustn't, I beseech 3'ou. 

Creamer. 
Would you keep a man from seeing his own wife ? 

Bertha. 
O no, sir, no indeed, sir. 

Creamer. 
Then why do j^ou stop me ? 

Bertha. 

You see, sir, she's got an awful headache, and — ^^and you 
must sup alone. 



10 ''she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 

Got a headache ? 

Bertha. 

O j^es, sir, her poor head is almost splitting with pain, awful 
pain, I assure you, sir. 

Creamer. 

Am I to eat m}^ supper alone? (Goes to table,) 

Bertha. 

Yes, sir, all alone. 

Creamer. 

And there's no one to share the lobster with? (Seating him- 
self at table,) 

Bertha. 

You must eat it 3^ourself, — eat it all up. 

Creamer. 

Bertha, go and get me m}^ dressing-gown. It is in my room, 
on a chair. (Taking off coat,) 

Bertha. 

(Aside,) Good gracious, I dare not leave him alone. (Aloud,) 
Hadn't 3^ou better go and get it yourself? 

Creamer. 
Did you hear me ? Go ! 

Bertha. 

Yes, yes^ sir. Will you stay here by the fire, sir? 

Creamer. 
If I so choose. 

Bertha. 

But hadn't you better come down in the kitchen? 

Creamer. 
No, Bertha, I prefer to stop here. 



^' she's fast asleep." 11 

Bertha. ' 

But think, sir. If 3'oii should make the least noise, you might 
wake 3'our wife. 

Creamer. 

Go as I bid you and get the dressing-gown. Do 3'ou hear me? 

Bertha. 

(Aside,) I dare not refuse. {Aloud.) But pray, sir, you'd 
better not move. I'll be right back ; don't move, sir. {Exit l.2e.) 

Creamer. 

Well, I must sa}' that young woman acts most strangely ; why 
should she seem so flustered. If I'd onh kept the appointment 
with the widow at the stated time, grey-goggles would have been 
disposed of, and I should have supped with that charming crea- 
ture, in blissful ignorance of his existence. {Enter Joseph c. 
with tivo bottles.) Hello ! w^ho have we here? 

Joseph. 

{Coming doton c.) Hello! here's godfather Chafer. What a 
J0II3' old cock! {Puts luine on table,) Good evening, Chafer; 
happ3' to meet you, m3^ bo3^ 

Creakier. 

O 3'ou are. Well, sir, let me ask, ''Who are 3^ou, sir, and 
what the devil do you want " ? 

Joseph. 

{Going to him,, patting him on shoidder mysteriously,) Hush! 
It's all right. Don't sa3^ a word. Keep mum, 3'ou understand. 
It's all right. 

Creamer. 

Well, do 3^ou know I'm glad to know that, for to me it looks all 
wrong. 

Joseph. 
It's quite right, I assure 3^ou. I like 3'our appearance. How 
do 3^ou like mine? {Turning round,) Tid3^, ^i^'^ i^? Yon see, 
sir, we both expected 3'ou. 



12 "she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 

The devil 3'ou did ! Then I was expected. 

Joseph. 

O 3'es, we expected 3'ou, for you know the old buffer has gone 
to Bath. 

Creamer. 

Eh! Old buffer! old buffer ! ! what old buffer? 

Joseph. 

Why, her husband, don't 3'ou understand? 

Creamer. 

(Aside) Creamer, be calm, be calm. (Aloud. ) Her husband ; 
O yes. So the husband of the lady is away, and 3'ou have been 
invited here in his absence on a kind of a little — little — 3'ou know. 

Joseph. 

That's it exacth'. She has the kind of a little, a^ou know, 
while the husband is away. Cute in her, isn't it? 

Creamer. 

O yes, O yes, ver3\ (Aside,) And so, m}' fine ladv, be- 

cause I forbid you- to go to the ball, 3^ou receive 3'our gentlemen 
friends here in m^^ absence. O 3^ou sdper ! To think of her 
supping with this ape. 

Joseph. 

You're a jolh^ old cock ; I like 3'ou, After supper's over we 
are all o:oino: to the theatre, and after that we mav have a dance ; 
that's good, eh? 

Creamer. 

O yes, that's verv good. (Aside,) Creamer be calm. 

Joseph. 

Yes, I thought you'd like it. (Opening bottle,) 

Creamer. 

Did you. Well, that's kind of you. (Aside.) My wife go lo 
the theatre and to the ball without me? O, this is too much. 
And stay, that explains Bertha's anxiet3' ; that explains the cold 
chicken. The girl is an accomplice. 



''she's fast asleep." 13 

Joseph. 

You see, she and I arranged it all onh' a little while ago ; she's 
getting ready now. 

Creamer. 

She is, he}^? 

Joseph. 

Yes. Ton m}' soul, old fellow, I rather like 3'ou ; didn't think 
I should. We'll be two jolly good fellow^s. eh? {Taps him on 
stomach, ) 

Creamer. 

{Grinding his teeth,) O, thou devil ! 

Joseph. 

Between 3'ou and I, the poor thing don't often get a chance _ 
like this ; husbands don't go awa}^ evevy day, j'ou know. 

Creamer. 

This is too much! {Collaring him,) . I've got you, have I? 
{Shaking him,) 

Joseph. 

{Surprised,) Hello ! what do you mean Chafer? What's 3'our 
game ? 

Creamer. 

You scoundrel, I'll teach you a lesson worth two of that ; take 
that {a shake) ^ and that {a shake) ^ and that — 

Joseph. 

Murder ! 3'ou're strangling me. He's mad ! Chafer's mad ! 
Murder ! somebody' ! help ! {Enter Bertha, with dressing-gown, 
r.2e.) 

Creamer. 

You ill-visaged rascal, 3'ou come to m3' house in m3' absence, 
do you ? 

Bertha. 
O Lord ! he'll kill Joseph. 



14 -'she's fast asleep." 

Joseph. 

Take yoar hands from off my throat. 

Bertha. 
Master, master, he means no harm. 

Creamer. 
No harm indeed! (Shaking him.) 

Bertha. 

O master, don't kill him, he's only my intended, and onl\' came 
to take supper with me. 

Creamer. 

What, supper with you? Didn't he come after my wife, eh? 

Bertha. 

no, indeed, sir, lie's a very respectable young man, sir, ver}'. 
Servant to the French gentleman, opposite. 

Creamer. 

(Letting him go.) A 'servant in such a coat as that, and with 
a real gossamer, too. 

Joseph. 

(Humbled.) O, sir, they belong to m}' master; he's away, 
sir. 

Bertha. 

You see, sir, 3'ou being away for the night, why, I invited him 
here, and we were going out on a bit of a time, sir. 

Creamer. 

1 see it, I see it all now. 

Joseph. 
(Aside to Bertha.) Ain't he your godfather? 

Bertha. 
No, indeed ; he's my master, Mr. Creamer. 

Joseph. 

O Lord! O Lord! (Aloud ^0 Creamer.) O. sir, I humbly 
begs'pardon, sir. If I'd only have known, sir, that you were — ^ 



*' she's fast asleep." 15 

Creamer. 

The old buffer, eh? ( WaUdng r. and l.) 

Bertha. 

You see, master, its all a mistake. 

Joseph. 

All a mistake, sir. 

Creamer. 

Go, go and leave me. (Aside.) To suspect for a moment, that 
poor innocent, sleeping in yonder room, perhaps at this moment 
dreaming of the absent Christopher. O, it was too much, too 
much. (Aloud.) Go, I sa}'. Go, and leave my sight. 

Joseph. 

All right, sir, going. 

Bertha. 

(To Joseph.) Wait at the door and tell m}' godfather to go 
home. 

Joseph. 

I will, Bertha. To think of calling the old buffer, an eld buffer, 
and to his ver}' face, too ; ha. ha, ha. {Exit c.) 

Bertha. 

Master, here's 3'our dressing-gown. Shall I help 3'ou on with 
it ? 

Creamer. 

To doubt — to doubt her. I, the guilty one who should suffer. 
Will she pardon her Creamer, if her Creamer humbled himself 
in the dust at her feet? Yes, 3^es, Creamer, she would, Fm sure 
she would. Then go. Creamer, go. {Goes r.2e.) 

Bertha. 

{Runs before him.) Master! Master! Where are you going? 

Creamer. 
Into my wife's room, m}' good Bertha. 

Bertha. 
Into her room? Oh, no, 3^ou must not ; she is not well, sir. 



16 '' she's fast asleep. 



Creamer. 



Don't stop me, Bertha! Don't stay a penitent Creamer; he 
will feel better, much better. 

Bertha. 

But think, master, she is so weak and nervous, it would startle 
her; she's dreadfnlUMll, sir. 

Creamer. 

Poor, innocent darlini^ ; she shall not be startled. {Coming 
down, c. taking off coat.) Help me on with my dressing-gown, 
Bertha. {She helps him.) There, that's comfortable. Now 
move the chair up by the tire. {She moves it.) There, this is 
home-like. {Seats himself.) Good-night, ray child. I can get 
along without you : good-night, go to bed. 

Bertha. 

What ! go to bed ? 

Creamer. 
Yes ; go to bed, child. 

Bertha. 

O, sir, but I'm not a bit sleep}'. {Aside.) Go to bed and 
leave him here ? Not if I know it. 

Creamer. 

{Eating fast.) But I shan't want you ; I can help myself 
now — 

Bertha. 

{Aside.) Gracious, he's going to eat up all our supper. I'll 
stop that. {Aloud.) H'm, H'm ! Mr. Creamer, O, sir. 

Creamer. 
{Mouthful.) Well, Bertha? 

Bertha. 
Are 3'ou going to eat all the chicken, sir? 

Creamer. 
Yes, Bertha, I'm hungry ; the chicken and the lobster too. 



1 



''she's fast asleep." 17 

Bertha. 
But, sir, perhaps it may not be — ma}' not be — 

Creamer. 

What, not fresh? (Sticks his fork into the chicken^ and snuffs 
at it,) 

Bertha. 
O, it's fresh, very fresh, but — 

Creamer. 
{Holding chicken up on fork.) But — but what? 

Bertha. 

I was thinking that, and lobster together, sir, might hurt you. 
You remember poor, dear Mr. Craggs. 

Creamer. 

t street? 

Bertha. 
Yes, master ; he died in two hours. 

Creamer. 

Yes, of colic, I believe. 

Bertha. 

Colic and apoplexy. 

Creamer. 

{Eating fast. ) AYell, what of it ? {Mouthful. ) 

Bertha. 

Well, sir, two hours before he was taken, he was a well man ; 
but he ate chicken and lobster ; 'twas in the evening, sir, and only 
think of it, sir, in two hours he died in the most terrible agony. 

Creamer. 

{Frightened; spits food into the fire; looks up.) Chicken and 
lobster!- Why, Bertha, that's what I'm eating. Died in terrible 
agonj^ ? O Lord ! 



18 "she's fast asleep." 

Bertha. 

Yes, indeed, sir, and he was a stout man, rather ; just like 3^ou. 

Creamer. 
But consider. Bertha, Craggs was a natural hog. 

Bertha. 

(Moving table aiuay to r.c.) But one ought not to eat just be- 
fore going to bed. 

Creamer. 
But, Bertha, I am awful hungry. 

Bertha. 
You had better be hungry than sick. 

Creamer. 

Sol had, Bertha, and it's getting late. (Yaiuns,) A-r-r-h ! 
it's getting late. Bertha. 

Bertha. 

Yes, sir, and 3'ou'd be better off in bed. 

Creamer. 

So I would, Bertha, so I would. {Goes l.) Good-night, 
child, good-night. 

Bertha . 

(Aside.) He's going at last, thank heaven. 

Creamer. 

(Turning,) I'll just look in and see if the dear thing is com- 
fortable. (Goes R.) 

Bertha. 

(Running hefore him.) What, sir? 

Creamer. 

Only to kiss my wife good-night. I'll not wake her. Bertha. 
(Hand on knob,) 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) O, Lord! what shall I do? (Aloud.) Master! Stop! 



"she's fast asleep." 19 

Creamer. 

(Turning.) Stop! Why, what's the matter? 

Bertha. 

{Aside.) O, what shall I say? O, I know. (Aloud.) Mas- 
ter, dear master, your face ! 

Crea^mer. 

Well, what the devil's the matter with my face? 

Bertha. 
Don't you feel bad? Your face is scarlet ; you've got it. 

Creaimer. 
Got it ; got what? It's only ray natural color. 

Bertha. 

O, sir. O my dear master. It's the supper ; you are going to 
have the colic, and apoplexy ! Yon are going to die in two 
hours ! O, Lord ! Quick, look in the glass ! 

Creamer. 

What ! (Runs to glass over fire r.) 

Bertha. 
See ! See ! Don't xon see how red 3'our face is growing? 

Creamer. 
(Frightened.) Yes, yes, Bertha, I- — I believe I do, — 

Bertha. 

And your eyes ; how strange and wild the}' look. 

Creamer. 
Yes, Bertha, they do indeed look strange and wild. 

Bertha. 

And, master, you're all of a tremble. 

Creamer. 

Yes, yes, Bertha, now that \ow mention it, I notice I am all of 
a tremble. What is it. Bertha, what is it? 



20 "she's fast asleep." 

Bertha. 

The first stage of colic, master ! Rush of blood at the head. 

Creamer. 

Good Lord, Bertha, von don't say so ! What, — what am I to 
do? 

Bertha. 

Quick, take my advice. {Goes to fire and gets kettle, r.) 

Creamer. 

But how the devil am I to take 3^our advice? Why don't you 
give me some ? 

Bertha. 
{Bringing kettle.) Your feet in hot water ! 

Creamer. 
But Where's the hot water? 

Bertha. 
{Giving him kettle.) Here it is. 

Creamer. 

{Taking it.) O, ah ! {Changing it from one hand to the other.) 
O Lord, I'm burnt, I'm scalded. 

Bertha. 

It will do you good, help to draw the blood from the head. 

Creamer. 

O Creamer, Creamer, this is an^^thing but supping with a pretty 
widow. It is certainly a judgment. 

Bertha. 

Quick, master, the bath, before 3'ou are taken with the colic. 

Creamer. 

Ah, me, unfortunate Creamer that I am, unfortunate Creamer. 
{Exit L.) 

Bertha. 

There I I've got him out of the wa^'. But missus had an es- 
cape that time, sure enough. 



''she's fast asleep." 21 

Bertha. 

{Enter Joseph, c.) What! you back again? Did you send 
ni}' god-fatlier off? 

Joseph. 

Yes ; I told him of my taking the old Cream-pot for him, and 
'twould have done you a world of good to have heard the old 'un 
roar. But, I say, Bertha, where's Creamer? 

Bertha. 

{Laughing.) Ha, ha! Up to his knees in hot water. Taking 
a hot bath, ha, ha ! 

Joseph. 

Well, I don't see anything so jolly in that. 

Bertha. 

Of course you don't, ha, ha, ha! Never mind; you 'can go 
home now. 

Joseph. 
Eh ! What ! ! 

Bertha. 

Didn't you hear me ? I said jon could go home now. 

Joseph. 
You send me away? 

Bertha. 

To be sure I do. Ain't master got home? 

Joseph. 

Well, what of it? 

Bertha. 
I don't want 3'ou about w^hen he's around. 

Joseph. 
Oh, ho ! you don't, eh? 

Bertha. 
No, I don't. 



22 ''she's fast asleep." 

Joseph. 
. What's he taking a bath for? 

Bertha. 
Never 3'ou mind, bat go home. 

Joseph. 

No, I'm blessed if I do. 

Creamer, outside l. 
Oh, ah ! Ah I The devil ! Oh-r-r — Oh ! 

Bertha. 
You must ! Go quick ; master's scalded himself. 

Creamer, outside l. 

0-o-o-o-h ! Ah ! To the devil with your hot bath. Mv poor 
shins. Oh, Bertha, Bertha ! Come, come quick. 

Joseph. 
{Seeing Bertha start.) What ! You go in his room? 

Bertha . 

Go home, you fool! Hush! master's coming, — go quick! 
{Pushing him out C.) 

Joseph. 

But can't we go down in the kitchen? 

Bertha. 
No ; I must stay here. I have a reason. 

Joseph. 

A reason, eh? {Ai<ide.) And I'll find out what it is. {Goes 
out c.) 

Bertha. 

{Shutting c. door.) Tliere, I've got rid of him. Now for 
master. {Going l.) 

Joseph, looking in c. door. 
There's some myster}' here, and I'll know what it is. 



''she's fast asleep." 23 

Creamer, outride l. 

Bertha, Bertha ! I'm scalded ! 

Bertha. 

{Laughing.) Yes, master, I'm coming. {Enter Creamer l. 
stocking feet.) Can I do anything for 3'ou, master? 

Creamer. 

No, yon can't. The skin's off both m\ legs. The water was 
boiling hot. 

Bertha. 

Poor master! {Laughing aside.) 

Creamer. 

{Looking at her.) What yon langhing at? 

Bertha. 

Langhing, master? I ain't langhing. 

Creamer. 

No ; yon ain't now, bnt yon was. Wh}', j'on onght to see my 
legs. They're all parboiled. 

Bertha. 

Yes, bnt it's cnred 3^0 n. Y^on look much better. 

Creamer. 

O, do I? Cnred me, eh? Wh}', damme, it's most killed me. 
{Seating himself at table ^ R. c.) And now I'll haye m}' supper, 
colic or no colic. {Eats.) 

Bertha. 

{Aside.) It's no use ; I can't saye it. 

Creamer. 

Bertha ! 

Bertha. 
Yes, master. 

Creamer. 
Is Mrs. Creamer still sleeping? 



24 ''she's fast asleep." 

Bertha. 
Yes, master, fast asleep. 

Creamer. 
Go and wake her. 

Bertha. 

Eh ! Oh, no, master ; I couldn't ; indeed I couldn't. 

Creamer. 
Well, if you can't, I can. {Getting up.) 

Bertha. 

O master, what are you about to do? 

Creamer. 

About to do? Wh}' I'm going to wake m}' wife. 

Bertha . 
But. — master ! 

Creamer. 

I'll not startle her, Bertha. 

Bertha. 

But 3'ou must not, sir; indeed you must not. {Gets before 
him, ) 

Creamer. 

Bertha ; wdiat means this mysterious conduct? 

Bertha. 
Master, — I — I — 

Creamer. 

Well I Why this emotion? 

Bertha. 

Master, I — I — there is — there is — a — 

Creamer. 

Yes — there is a — what ? 

Bertha. 
{Aside.) What shall I say ? 



''she's fast asleep." 25 

Creamer. 

Well, what? 

Bertha. 
Master, master ! I'm — I'm jealous ! 

Creamer. 
(^Starting hack,) Jealous ! ! (Joseph looks in door c.) 

Bertha. 

Yes, master, dear master. {Looking down.) Why not sup 
with me. I'm lively — I'm good company. {Playing with htr 
apron.) 

Joseph. 

{Aside c.) Hello! 

Creamer. 

{Aside.) O what a dog I am with the petticoats. The}^ can't 
withstand me. (i^e^a?TZm^ Bertha.) She's prett}', very pretty; 
but shall I, for a moment, forget that I am a husband? No, 
never! {Aloud.) Xo, no, m\ prett}^ one. It would be very 
nice, I dare say, but I must sup with Mrs. Creamer. {Going r.) 

Bertha. 

But master, dear master. 

Creamer. 

Creamer, be linn, do your duty. {Regarding Bertha.) But, 
'pon my soul, she's prettv. I never noticed it before ; but she's 
a nice form, and as plump as a peach. {Takes her hand.) Two 
bright eyes, too. 

Bertha. 

Dear master ! 

Creamer. 

But, m}' dear, consider. Angels have fallen. I am but 
human ; don't tempt a susceptible Creamer. {Aside.) Her 
hand is very soft. {Stroking her hair.) Pretty little head, that's 
sofc, too. 

Bertha. 

{Aside.) O, Lord ! This is horrid. {Making face.) 



26 ''she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 

Poor thing ; she loves and suffers ; for jealous}^ gnaws the 
heart as a wharf-rat gnaws corn, to the core. Come, little one, 
cheer up ; calm 3'ourself. 

Bertha. 
Yes, master, — I'll — I'll try. 

Creamer. 
I am not without a heart. 

Bertha. 

No — no — no, master. 

Creamer. 

(Aside.) She's very fascinating (kissing her hand. Aloud.) 
There, Bertha, 3^ou have conquered. You shall sup with me. 

Bertha. 

But, mistress, she is so near, Mr. Creamer. 

Creamer. 

Call me, Christopher. 

Bertha. 
What would she sa}', Christopher? 

Creamer. 
But she's fast asleep, is'nt she? 

Bertha. 

O, yes, she's fast asleep. 

Creamer. 

And the key is on the outside. I'll lock her in. (Goes to door, 
turns key^ r.2e., and comes down R.c.) There, we won't l^e sur- 
prised, at any rate. And now for our supper. (Leading Bertha 
to table.) 

Bertha. 

But, sir, I'd — I'd — rather — (Joseph looks in c.) 



'v^hes fast aslf.kp. 27 

Creamer. 

Nonsense ! Sit down {leading her to a seat)^ there. Now, my 
dear, we'll be as merry as any two souls could wish. (Pouring 
out wine.) Have a little wine? 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) 'Tis to save mistress. 

Joseph. 

(Aside.) The old scoundrel, he's drinking up my w^ine. 
(Comes in, stands hack.) 

Creamer. 

Drink, drink pretty one ; here's your good health. 

Bertha. 
And your's master. (Both drink.) 

Joseph. 
(Aside.) And this was her little game, w^as it? 

Creamer. 
And now, charmer — 

" I'll be a bee, and honey sip, 
From off each pouting, rosy lip." 

(Kisses her.) There (she cries out) ^ and another (kisses her 
again) ^ and again. (Joseph comes down c.) 

Joseph. 

Never ! Defend 3^ourself, old buffer (strike attitude) , for I'm 
going clear through you. 

Bertha. 
Heavens ! Joseph here? 

Creamer. 

The servant I The devil I ! 

Joseph. 

(To Bertha.) O, this is very pretty, and very proper, I sup- 
pose. You send me awa}' '-'cause master's got home." You 
liked this old buffer the best. 



28 

Creamer. 

Old buffer ! Old buffer ! Servant, hold 3^our tongue* 

Joseph. 

I'll not hold my tongue, sir. I am a servant, but I am a man, 
and rU sav my say, you curlv-he^ded old bigamist. 

Creamer. • ' 

Curlv-headed what? 

Bertha. 
O Joseph, how can you ? 

Joseph. 

(To Bertha). I mean what I say, 3'ou hypocrite, 3'ou. I've 
been w^atching you both. I saw him kiss you, and you seemed to 
like it. 

Creamer. 

Watching, you rascal ! You watching us? 

Joseph. 

Yes, sir ; watching you both, and a fine story I have for Mrs. 
Creamer's ear. 

Creamer. 

Mrs. Creamer ! The devil ! ! 

Joseph. 
She shall know^ all. 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) I must hesitate no longer. I must tell Joseph all. 
(To Mr. Creamer.) Master I Master, let me try and pacify 
him. 

Creamer. 

Pacily him I You ! Can you keep his tongue still? 

Bertha. 
Let me trv. 

Creamer. 

{Giving hank notes.) I will, Bertha, I will. Here, take this; 
buv his silence. 



''she's fast asleep." 29 

Bertha. 

{^Taking money,) O, sir ; all that? 

Creamer. 
Take it, take it I Onl}^ silence the puppj'. 

Joseph. 

{Regarding them.) As I thought, he pays her; gives her 
mone}'. ( Walks up and doiun l.) 

Bertha. 

(Aside^ going c.) Ten pounds! ! Well, 111 keep this to pay 
me for the trouble I've been to. (Futs money in loocket,) 

Joseph. 

{Regarding her.) The brazen-faced hussy. {Excited.) 

Creamer. 

{Aside.) This costs me a pretty penny. A ten-pound note. 
O, Creamer, Creamer. 

Bertha . 

{Following J OSETH up.) Joseph! Joseph! 

Joseph. 

Away ! awav ! I want no more of j^ou. Away, fair and false ! 
Get out ! 

Creamer. 

Hush ! hush ! Silence the fool ! He'll wake my wife. {Lis- 
tens at door^ r.2e.) 

Bertha. 

Don't make so much noise, Joseph. Listen to me. I'm onl}^ 
placing a part ; it is all pretended to save his wife. 

Joseph. 

{Stopping.) What? 

Bertha. 

Onh' a pretence. His wife, my missus, is off to the masked 
ball. He'd kill her if he knew it. My acting so is all a sham to 
save missus. 



30 

Joseph. 

All a sham, honest? 

Bertha . 

Oiih' a sham. I hate the old fool ! It's all to save missus ; 
hush ! 

Joseph. 
And was it for this? 

Bertha. 

Yes, hush ! 

Creamer. 

(At door R.2.E.) She sleeps as calmly as a babe ; fast asleep. 
(Looking over to Bertha and Joseph.) Hello! I do believe 
she's calmed the servant. (Aloud, ) Have you calmed him, Bertha ? 

Bertha. 

Perfecth', master. 

Creamer. 

She's a witch. How these petticoats can get it over us. (To 
Joseph.) Are you satisfied, servant? 

Joseph . 
Quite satisfied, sir. Mum's the word. 

Creamer. 

(Aside.) Xow, how the devil did she do it? (Aloud.) Mum's 
the word, and now servant, begone ! 

Joseph. 

I will sir. (Aside to Bertha.) She's gone to the ball, dressed 
in tights, eh? Lord, that's too good. 

Bertha. 

Hush ! yes, I know he'd kill her. 

Joseph. 
Poor devil ! 



''she's fast asleep." 31 

Creamer. 

(Aside.) What are they talking about, I wonder. The}' seem 
very much interested. (Aloud.) Ahem! Servant, begone ! Do 
3'ou hear me? 

Joseph. 

All right, sir. (Aside to Bertha.) Look out for him. Keep 
vour e3'es open. (Exit c, leavi^ig door ivide open.) 

Creamer. 
We're well rid of him, Bertha. 

Bertha. 

Yes, master. 

Creamer. 

(Sneezinfj.) A-shoo-o-o ! There, he's left the door wide open. 
A-a-shoo-o ! Shut the door. Bertha, a-a-shoo-o-o ! ! I catch cold 
verv easy. (Standing front and attending nose with handkerchief. 
Bertha goes toiuards door as Mrs. Creamer comes in.) 

Bertha. 

(Seeing Mrs. Creamer.) O, Lord! (Runs up to her and 
points to Creamer.) It's master, Mr. Creamer. 

Creamer. 

A-sho-oo-o ! A-sho-oo-oo ! 

Bertha. 

He thinks you are in bed, fast asleep ; don't say nothing 
ma'am ; he's locked you in ; never mind what for, ma'am, and 
he's got the key to 3 our room, but I'll get it, ma'am. Go back, 
quick, hush ! (Mrs. Creamer goes out and Bertha conies down 
c.) 

Creamer. 

A-sho-o-a ! Wh3% bless me, what a cold I've caught, to be 
sure. 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) And how shall I get the key? 



32 ''she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 

(^Putting handkerchief up. Seeing Bertha.) Ah, Bertha! 
We are alone again. And now, pretty one, let us finish our 
supper. Come, give me that kiss. 

Bertha. 

(Resisting.) No! Hush! I — I heard missus; she's awake. 

Creamer. 

{Going to r.2e. Lidening.) No, Bertha, she sleeps as quiet as 
a babe ; there's no sound. • 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) Good gracious! how shall I get the ke}^ to missus' 
room. 

Creamer. 

{Coming to Bertha.) Come, charmer, to supper. {Leads her 
to table,) 

Bertha. 

{Lost in thought.) Ah! I have it. {Aloud.) Master! 
Master! I faint! I die!, {Holds handkerchief to face.) O, 
Lord ! O, Lord ! 

Creamer. 

{Starting.) Eh! what! Are you sick? What's the matter? 

Bertha. 

{Sinking into chair.) O, dear! ah! (As if in pain.) O, 
my — ah ! — 

Creamer. 
Eh? What is it? 

Bertha. 

O, my head ! O, ah ! O dear me, ah ! 

Creamer. 

What the devil's the matter with your head? Do you want a 
hot bath? 

Bertha. 

Mercy, no ! Ah, oh. My nose is going to bleed. O, it's 
awful ! It always comes on in this way. O, dear. 



" she's fast asleep." 33 

Creamer. 
What, O, what can I do? 

Bertha. 

Go to the almanac, in the table drawer, fifth page, second col- 
umn, halfway down. 

Creamer. 

Almanac I Table drawer ! {Gets it from tahle^ turns over leaves. 
Reads.) ^- Xose-bleed," '• A certain cnre," '' Get a kc}' ; hold 
it on the small of the back for a few minntes, and it will cure 
the worst case of bleeding at the nose, at once." 

Bertha. 

O dear, ah-a-a ! A key. a key! O, why don't yon get me a 
key? Don't yon see me suffering? Go I Go I ! 

Creamer. 

O. Lord ! O. Lord ! Was ever a man in such a fix? I have 
no ke^^ {Looking over pockets.) Stop ; yes, here's one, the ke}^ 
to my wife's room. Let me put it on the small of your back, 
Bertha. 

Bertha. 

( Start ing up . ) Sir!! 

Creamer. 
Yer}^ well ; j'ou can put it on yourself, then. {Gives hey.) 

Bertha. 

Yes, I think I shall. {Aside.^ pretending to put it down her hack.) 
Now, how shall I get rid of him? 

Creamer. 

( Watching her.) Well, does it help you? 

Bertha. 
No, not yet. 

Creamer. 
Well, it's rather queer physic. 



34 ''she's fast asleep." 

Bertha. 

(Aside.) I must send him after sometliing. (Aloud.) O, 
gracious ! Oh-r ! Oh ! Ah-r-r-r, Oh ! What shall I do? What 
shall I do? 

Creamer. 

Now how the devil should I know ? Do you take me for a 
medical man? O, Lord ! 0, Lord, what shall I do? 

Bertha. 

Run, run quick for the ammonia.; Quick, the ammonia. 
{Screech.) Ah-r ! 

Creamer. 

'' Ammonia," '^ quick," — well, where in thunder is the am- 
monia? (Running about.) Where is it? 

Bertha. 

In 3'our chamber, in a bottle. O. dear! {Another screech.) 
Ah-r-r-r ! ! 

Creamer. 

In m}' chamber, in a bottle? Wh3% bless your soul, there's 
forty bottles. 

Bertha. 

Well, hunt for it, can't 3'ou? 

Creamer. 

Hunt for it ; whj', bless me, there's rat poisons, one breath 
of which is deadh', to sa}' nothing of bed-bug exterminators and 
roach powders. There, there, calm yourself. I will see if I can 
find it. This is certainl}^ a judgment on you. Creamer. Be 
calm. Bertha ; I'll return as soon as the forty bottles will let me. 
{Exit L.) 

Bertha. 

{Jumping up.) There, I've got rid of him better than I ex- 
pected to. Now for missus. {Goes to door c.) Come in quick. 
{Enter Mrs. Creamer c.) Don't say a w^ord. Master missed 
the train, and has been home all the evening. He thinks you are 
sleeping in your room. 



'' she's fast asleep." 35 

Creamer. 
(Outside,) O, Lord I That's assafoeticla, phew! 

Bertha. 

Quick, that's him, ha, ha, ha ! (Going to door 2d r. turns key, 
opening door.) There, ma'am, go in quick; go to bed, and he'll 
never l3e an}- the wiser for it. (Bertha pushes her in, shuts and 
locks door.) Tiiere, she's safe. Now for master. (Dancing 
around the room.) Tra la la, etc. (Enter Creamer l. ivith large 
hunch of keys and a very large bottle.) 

y . Creamer. 

(Seeing her dancing.) Why, bless my stars, she dances. 

Bertha. 

(Seei?!^ Creamer.) O. Lord ! ha, ha, ha! What a bottle! 
ha, ha, ha ! (Laughing wildly.) 

Creamer. 

She not only dances, but she laughs. (Aloud.) Bertha, what 
does this mean? 

Bertha. 

(Seating herself.) Master, I'm in hjrsterics. (Laughing 
heartily.) I'm in hysterics, master. 

Creamer. 

Hysterics, eh? Why, damme, it seems devilish natural. 
(Holding a bottle to her.) Here take a smell of this; not too 
hard, for it nearly knocked me down, and I only breathed it. 
Where's your pain now ? 

Bertha. 

I don't know. (Smelling at bottle.) 

Creamer. 

(Shows keys.) You'd better lay these on your spine. A large 
dose may cure you. 

Bertha. 

No, no ; give me more ammonia. 



36 "she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 
Help yourself, take in all you want. 

Bertha. 

(Smelling.) Ah! it's good. It makes me feel much better, 
much better. 

Creamer. 

Better, Bertha, jou feel better? 

Bertha. 
(Getting ujo.) Yes, I am not dizzy. I ard quite well again. 

Creamer. 

Well again. Bertha, all well again? (Putting bottle and keys 
away.) Then I shall have 3'ou once again, and we will sup to- 
gether. See, I put my arm about 3^our little waist and kiss your 
ros}^ posy lips. (Kisses her.) 

Bertha. 

And I will smack your ugh^ chops. (Slaps his face.) How 
dare you sir, how dare you? 

Creamer. 

(Surprised.) Bless me, Bertha, what does this mean? 

Bertha. 

What does it mean? (Chasing him.) I'll let you know what 
it means. How dare you hug and kiss me, when j^our wife is 
there in that room. 

Creamer. 

Of course she's there, I know that. (Noise heard r.2e.) 
Hello I That's in her room, she's awake ! 

Bertha. 

Ye^, Creamer, she's awake, and that's not all. She's heard 
every word you've said to me. 

Creamer. 
O, Lord I 



''she's fast asleep." 37 

Bertha . 
And heard you kiss me. 

Creamer. 
But YOU encouraged me, Bertha. 

Bertha. 
Encouraged you sir, no sir. 

Creamer. 
Didn't you sa}' you loved me ? ^ 

Bertha. 

Never, sir. 

Creamer. 
Didn't 3^0 u say you were jealous? 

Bertha. 
It wasn't 3'ou I loved and was jealous of. 

Creamer. 

Not me? Who then? 

Bertha. 

It was the lobster, — ha, ha, ha ! 

Creamer. 

{Aside.) Creamer be calm, be very calm; don't show how 
3'ou are staggered by being thrown over by a lobster, — a two- 
% shilling lobster ; d — n that lobster. 

Bertha. 
I love lobster. 

Creamer. 

So did the widow. 

Bertha. 
Widow ! What widow ? 

Creamer. 

Widow ; who said anything about a widow ? 

Bertha. 
You did. 



38 "she's fast asleep." 

Creamer. 
Bertha, 3^011 wrong me. 

Bertha. 

You distinctly said, " so does the widow." 

Creamer. 

Hush, there's a stir in ni}-^ wife's room, — hush. There is a 
widow, Bertha, but for heaven's sake keep quiet. 

Bertha. 

O, master ! master ! 

Creamer. 

{Going to his ivife's dooi\ r.2e.) Husli ! {Looking in key-hole.) 
Eh I What do I see ? A gail}' dressed young cavalier in m}* Avife's 
room. Can I believe iwx ej'es? {Opens door., brings out Mas. 
Creamer by the ear,) Come out here, sir, come out here. Now, 
sir, look me in the face if vou dare. {Looking at Mrs. Creamer.) 
My wife ! The devil ! ^ 

Bertha. 

{Aside.) O, Lord ! it's all up ! 

Creamer. 

Well, madam, this is ver\' prett}^, very proper, isn't it? And 
now, madam, what means this dress? 

Bertha. < 

{Aside ^ fidgeting about.) What shall I do? What shall I saj^? 

Creamer. 
O, you're dumb, are 3'ou? 

Bertha. 

Master, master! You see, — you see she didn't mean any 
harm. She got all ready to go to the masked ball, — it was very 
naughty I know, — and before she went, she sent me for a bit of 
cold chicken ; she heard you coming, so she ran in her room, and 
you saw me when I was a fetching her the cold chicken, how 
flurried I was, and how I kept you from where she was hiding. 



''she's fast asleep." 39 

Creamer. 

Mv wife going to the masked ball, and alone? 

Bertha . 

O no, sir, not alone. M}' Joseph was going to the door of tlie 
theatre with her. (Joseph comes in c. door. Seeing him.) You 
ivas going with missus, wasn't you, Joe? (Nodding to him,) 

Joseph. 

AYhy, bless you, of course I was, sir. Didn't I try to do the 
thing up brown, too? Dress-coat and gossamer, first-class. 

Creamer. 

O, this is too much, too much. Madam! {To Mrs. C.) I'll 
have nothing more to say to you. Xo, madam, I'll get divorced. 

Bertha. 

{Going to Mr. Creamer.) No 3'ou won't, master. 

Creamer. 
Won't I Who says I won't? Who's to hinder? 

Bertha. 
Me {loud whisper) and the widow. 

Creamer. 

Hush ! I forgot the widow. 

Bertha. 

You'll forgive missus, master. You know she didn't go. If 
she'd been and gone, 'twould have been awful, I admit. Surely 
there's no harm in merely getting read3^ 

Creamer. 
But, Bertha, you forget ; she meant to go. That's w^hat's bad. 

Bertha. 
Any worse than the widow scrape? 

Creamer. 

Hush! Widow scrape? What widow scrape? Bertha, there 
was no widow scrape ; but hush ! Say no more : all shall be for- 
given. {To Mrs. Creamer.) Malinda, my love, 3'ou shall be 



40 ''she's fast asleep." 

forgiven. The past is a dream, bordering on a night-mare, I ad- 
mit, but only a dream. You look so charming in tights, with the 
other brilliant fixings, that I am sm*e if I had looked at your 
elegant figure but a second time, I conld not have been angry ; I' 
believe I should even have forgiven 3'ou had I seen you actuall}' 
coming' from the ball. {Embraces her.) To think I ran away 
from this. O, Creamer ! 

Joseph. 
{To Bertha.) So he don't know she has been. 

Bertha. 
Lord bless you, no. 

Joseph. 
That's rich, ha, ha, ha ! 

Bertha. 

I'll make them pay me for m}^ trouble. I've the widow over 
him, and the ball over her. It's a good thing to have the upper 
hand of your master and missus. 

Creamer. 

Excuse me, my darling, there's a moral to saj'. 

{Coming doivn. To audience,) 
Should 3^our wives go a larking while you are awaj', 

Bertha. 
Your house-maids will help 'em, the secret they'll keep, 

Creamer. 
But don't be bamboozled with '' She's Fast Asleep." 

CURTAIN. 

Mrs. Creamer. Mr. Creamer. Bertha, Joseph. 

R. C. L. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 198 444 



